Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Chasing Happiness

I have been spending a lot of time reflecting on different aspects of my life and the current level of joy I am getting from my daily activities. I am finding that I feel a little lost on certain aspects. We are such fluid creatures and change so easily and often that the things that once gave us joy can change.
Now this is not a post about me giving up pole so don't worry. It is more a post about me reflecting that it is time to try out new adventures and expand my skills and my own awareness.
I find that I spend a lot of time doing tasks for work,  as a board member, a volunteer, a friend, a family member, a blogger, and as an individual. These are not bad tasks what so ever but I am finding myself struggling with engaging in them in the same way I have in the past.
Up to this point in my life I have invested my time and energy into my career, my responsibilities, and my fitness goals. In the past year I have started to feel like I am not sure about why i do some of the things I do. Not because I do not think they are worth doing. I just wonder if I am doing them because I think I am supposed rather then because I am passionate about doing so. A lot of this came up when I returned from my week vacation in New Orleans and Pole Convention. I found myself struggling at getting back into my weekly routine. I felt unmotivated at work and felt un-engaged in my usual routine. So I decided to ask myself some questions to figure out why I was feeling this way...

Do I always want to work in my current field?

Am I experiencing professional burn out?

What do I want to be when I grow up?

Do I want to grow up?

Am I passionate about my life right now?

What parts of my life bring me passion?

I came up with a lot of I don't knows. Now my life is good. I have a job I enjoy but I know that in a year or two I may be ready to move on from it and I have no idea what I would do afterward. I don't know what organizations I would want to work in or other jobs to take or even which direction I want to take my career in. Do I want to stay in this field? If not what field interests me? I love so much about my life but I wonder if I am living it to the fullest.

Recently I was given an amazing opportunity to apply to do a yoga teacher certification this fall with Yoga University. This is something I have always wanted to do but never prioritized the cost. I don't really have a plan to become a yoga teacher. I just want to immerse myself in yoga, learn more about movement, flow, spirituality, my body, my centre, and how I can impart my knowledge about anything fitness safely to others. Because of this reasoning I always put off joining the various retreats and training they do. As there is still a large cost associated with this program I did hum and haw over taking this opportunity. I debated that spending money on this takes money away from savings, and future trip planning. I wasn't sure if doing this was the best financial decision.
 While I was mulling over my my mini existential crisis about my future plans and passions my brain connected with this opportunity. Do I want to be a yoga teacher? I have no idea. I love fitness and I love helping others but i'm not sure if that is reason enough to spend all this money.

What do I want in life?
I want to be happy. I want to derive meaning from my day to day activities. I want to feel passionate about what I spend my time doing.

I feel like I am searching for something in my life that is not currently there. Last year I did a lot of self exploration and pushed my own boundaries. I ended up living a life that made me immensely happy. I want to continue on that but in a new avenue.  I am not an overly spiritual person. I'm crap at meditating. I can be way to analytical and can sometimes miss the beauty around me as I am in such a rush to get everything off my list. My god, I really do need this. I need help in growing spiritually. I need to take the time and money and invest in myself. even if I never end up using the training professionally. I need to do this. I need to explore this side of myself.

So I paid for my seat deposit. I am doing this. Starting this October I will not have much free time on my weekends but I will be putting energy into something new. I have no idea where it will take me but the journey will be something worthwhile.

Once I made this decision I found that I was finally able to get back into my routine. I was able to commit myself to accomplishing tasks and spending my energy on work and volunteering again. Because I knew that I had committed to spending time on myself in the future. I had a game plan to help figure things out. I have taken a small step in personal growth and continuing to live a happy life.

Oh yeah....this will mean an increase in #wildernessyoga post from me ;)

<3 KiKi

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